If you’ve found yourself reading this article, I’m going to hedge my bets and assume you’re not here for a light read. Instead, I think I’d be right in assuming you’re here because you’re hurting.
Yes, many of us know that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most of us can name a friend who has suffered through one. But until you’ve been there yourself, it is impossible to understand the pain. Whether it’s a deep sense of mourning, guilt over feeling relieved, extreme loneliness or even just the sheer physical pain, miscarriage is a complex, devastating loss that is without compare.
What’s more, there’s no right way – and no one way – to grieve. There’s no handbook for working through a miscarriage.
When I experienced one myself, I found little comfort in the articles that reassured me that I wasn’t alone, or (much worse) that my loss was for the best. What I longed for was for someone to tell me how to process, how to honour and how to mark the short life – if that’s what it could be called – of my baby.
While I can’t begin to tell you how to grieve, what I can share are a few ideas of ways to mark the loss of your little ones. However you choose to process your own loss – or indeed help a loved one through themselves – know that the team at The Grace Tales and I are right there beside you.
Choosing a beautiful piece of art – from an abstract painting to a meaningful sketch – can be a subtle but lovely memory. I purchased a piece by Kate Dambach that sits on my bedside table.
A stuffed toy
When I was first pregnant, I pre-emptively bought my baby a comforter (now affectionately referred to as ‘Bear’). And I’m not ashamed to say that most evenings, Bear is now wedged somewhere near my pillow. On the nights when my other children take Bear into their possession, it completely warms my heart.
A plant or tree
Planting a rose garden or a tree can be a beautiful, long-lasting tribute to your baby. It can also be an ideal opportunity to regularly immerse yourself in nature and all its restorative properties as you tend to that garden.
A piece of jewellery
Commemorating your baby with a meaningful piece of jewellery can be a thoughtful and lasting way to remember. Whether it is a necklace that is in remembrance of your baby (Tiny Tags do a range of heartfelt pieces) or a ring that features what would have been your baby’s birthstone, what matters is that it’s meaningful to you.
A permanent tattoo may be extreme (and please don’t take my word as license to embark on your first ink), but it may be just what is required to remind you of the baby in your life and your strength for coming through it.
If a physical commemoration feels too raw, a donation to worthy charity can make a remarkable difference. SANDS is a charity providing support for families who experience miscarriage, stillbirth and newborn death, but any organisation that means something to you would no doubt be a grateful recipient.
Sending love, from The Grace Tales x