Vanessa Fennell is an extraordinary woman. She will make you cry and at the same time, fill you with admiration and inspiration...
Fennell and her husband Tom lost their third child, Sibella, when she was just 11 months old to mitochondrial disease. Born, raised and educated in South Africa, Fennell worked in senior sales director roles for such companies as Macquarie Group and UBS Funds Management before taking a sabbatical in December 2014 after the devastating loss of Sibella. She now devotes her time to philanthropy, raising money to support the Sydney Children’s Hospital in Sydney’s Randwick through sunSCHine and also the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute, which undertakes research into infant, child and adolescent health. “The future health of our children is very close to my heart, and that is why I am so engaged with the Sydney Children’s Hospital and Murdoch Children’s Research Institute. I want to be part of the advancement of this world to ensure no child endures what Sibella had to, and the best care just gets better, and innovation and cures abound,” says Fennell. On grief, she recalls a quote from Ariana Huffington after she lost her first child. “It sums up my beliefs entirely from the vast range of experiences I have had: ‘I had never known a pain like this. What I learned through it is we are not on this earth to accumulate victories, or trophies, or avoid failures, but to be whittled and sandpapered down until what’s left is who we truly are. This is the only way we can find purpose in pain and loss, and the only way we keep returning to gratitude and grace.’” We visited the beautiful mother to Sebastian, 7, and Sophia, 5, to find out more about these special causes and her inspiring outlook on life… Photography: Anthea Nicoll
When I had Sebastian, it gave me such a sense of being complete…
I had a very strong understanding of almost why we exist. The focus is suddenly not on ourselves, but the little ball of vulnerability and love. Motherhood has also taught me to love and give to not only our children, but to others. The level of empathy that was awakened through the gaining and of course the loss of a child has heightened my personal awareness of renewed priorities and values.
One knows that losing a child is considered the worst thing that can happen to you…
With the loss of a parent you lose your past, with the loss of a child you lose your future. But I read a brilliant quote by Joseph Campbell one day that summed up my sentiment at the time we lost Sibella to mitochondrial disease. “We must be willing to rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” For me the greatest struggle was to shake off what was expected of a grieving mother and use my resilience to carve a worthwhile future path for us all. You will never get over the loss of a child, but I am not prepared to harm my family’s future by being defined by her untimely death. I honestly know now that amazing life lessons can happen at a very sad time, and we can learn from these experiences. To me it was a conscious choice to take that lesson in loss in the greater journey. Sibella’s birth and death forced us all to reconsider fundamental values. We are now travellers, not “holidayer’s” in life, a path of feeling, endurance, sharing and enrichment. We can’t change the outcome for us, but we can help in changing the outcome for someone else, and when you hear other stories or have an honest look around you like I did, you realise that your life is not that bad no matter what the circumstance. With all of what we have had to endure I still feel a huge sense of gratefulness for the incredible life I lead. Loss is what makes me real. Traversing life and being part of it makes you available and the depth of my friendships has changed markedly because of this.
I would love to say I have grown into a mother with boundless patience and energy but I would be kidding myself…
The change for me has been on a much more profound level. I have learnt to love unconditionally in a way most mothers would understand. Sure I love my husband, parents and sister, but there are limits to what you would accept from them. But with my children, my love knows no limits. Nothing can detract from that, and when I look into my children’s eyes, I see the face of a miracle, every single time. I think I have become far less judgmental and far more empathetic. Motherhood and its challenges have given me the ability to understand people and their stories. Everyone has one and everyone handles it as best they can. No one understands the wiring of another’s brain so to support and be present can be an incredible skill.
Motherhood has made me bold…
It has crystallised my value system and allowed me to stand up more gracefully for what I believe in, it has also encouraged me to recognise any insecurities and work on these while acknowledging my strengths. The key for me is becoming as emboldened as I can, to live a life that makes my children and me proud. Most importantly motherhood has given me a sense of courage, strength and philanthropy that I had never truly understood in my younger days. We have the most amazing opportunity to be part of change in a time when women really have a voice. Whether it’s small, like recycling or nutrition to giving time to charity or fundraising, we can all be part of what becomes our children’s future. The future health of our children is very close to my heart, and that is why I am so engaged with the Sydney Children’s Hospital and Murdoch Children’s Research Institute. I want to be part of the advancement of this world to ensure no child endures what Sibella had to, and the best care just gets better, and innovation and cures abound.
Sunschine is just special. It’s the idea of the gorgeous Nikki Dunlop, to create a fun, meaningful charity aimed at the younger Sydney charity supporters…
Sunschine raises money for Sydney Children’s Hospital in Sydney’s Randwick. Typically we focus on a particular area of need. Neurology was our department of choice last year and we raised close to $600k, an incredible achievement. What most people don’t understand is that hospitals are very reliant on the community to give. The government for example is committed to upgrade ventilation machines once every 10 years. The rate of technology is changing so rapidly that the allocated budget just does not marry up with hospital requirements. That’s where we step in, organisations such as ours as well as personal donors, assist in ensuring that the best possible technology and research is available always.
I was under no illusion that I could just pick up my career where I left off after I had children…
Predominantly because I worked in funds management and the GFC hit and hit hard, and also because my life was not just about me anymore, but little people who needed to be with me. I took time out to have Seb and Sophia and enjoyed those three years, but when my husband decided to open his own business, it made sense to rejoin the work force. I will be honest; the distraction of children did ease my typical hunger for being in the sales field. Late evening dinners and long trips away were just not something I looked forward to anymore. But I was lucky; through persistence I found a role and a fabulous boss who allowed me the flexibility and time I needed without question. He was unusual in the financial world and I will always be grateful to him. He made my experience worthwhile. Sometimes it’s hard to say whether it’s just children or the state of the economy that changed my thinking, but for me I lost something of my inherent ambition and became less of a searcher. In saying that I still love being part of the world where life is bigger than you and you are contributing to that greater outcome. Moving into philanthropy has fulfilled that in part since taking a sabbatical, but I feel a real draw into something more fulltime. So watch this space.
Motherhood is the most extreme measure of life…
Nothing else can cross the spectrum of emotions quite like being a mother. I have journeyed to great depths of healing through the pure unadulterated joy of being part of my child’s accomplishments and happiness, to the sadness of loss when you say goodbye forever, like I did.
I think the greatest challenge in mothering is trusting who you are as a person….
It’s the single most important time when instinct is vital and should be called upon regularly. As a mother we want to protect our children from the minute they are born and I constantly question how I am going to do that. When they are young you worry about their sleeping habits, pain or diet, and as they get older you worry about their ability to find a confident and secure place in this world where they can be comfortable within themselves, and achieve confidently. To me that is the hardest part because you can influence, not change, a child’s natural course, and I hope every day that not only am I guiding my little ships on a safer path, but equipping them with tools to keep a course even when they are battered around by what society’s winds provide. We, as mothers, have to allow them to be exposed to failure and loss, and help them understand self-reliance and resilience through intelligent choices and the ability to suffer disappointment. Equally we have to guide them though success and encourage them to reach goals without unnecessary pressure or arrogance.
The support we have had through the loss of our daughter has been overwhelming and generous in the extreme…
It has shown me that to feel sadness is not the worst emotion but can be uplifting, healing and encouraging. You cannot pass through this type of thing without love, support and sometimes just plain distraction. To that I will be forever in debt to friends old and new. I really remember every person who reached out over that time with such warmth. Not to mention, the incredible empathy of Annie Bae, our Neurologist, and all the doctors and nurses and psychologists who I will forever hold in my heart. They guided us through five weeks of incredible confusion and pain, with such gentle hands. Annie and the rest of the team really proved that when the going gets tough, Sydney Children’s Hospital knows how to rise up and support you.
We have lived in Tamarama for nine years and this home for just one…
This house is a very large project that is about to be put into progress… it’s a true beach house with the most beautiful feeling. Even though currently it’s very 70s inside, and not the romantic version, it has such a positive energy that makes me feel alive and inspired. Ocean breezes, palm trees and lots of white. My favourite!
To my younger self I’d say…
Explore, challenge, educate yourself and think about life with foresight and honesty. One can’t map out a life specifically, but set a few short and long term goals, and somehow they keep you on track. Keep them on your phone and refer to them and update them. Be honest with yourself too, if you can’t draw don’t try and make a living being an artist! Really think about where you want to be and a rough idea of how to get there and never give up! Don’t take it all too seriously either, life has a funny way of working out. Most importantly the things we worry about most, very rarely occur so prepare for life’s curve balls by embracing change and challenging yourself.
I’m currently reading…
Elon Musk’s Biography. It’s quite inspiring and encouraging in achieving new frontiers by pure resilience and self-reliance alone. The Art of Giving is also a fascinating book on accelerating philanthropy with a business approach.
I often think it should be mandatory to live overseas for a period…
It can be very unsettling, and that teaches you gratefulness, and it can be very rewarding and that gives one self-esteem and ambition! Inner strength comes though knowing you can overcome hurdles and survive and that’s what I learned through making a life in three different countries. I also believe too few of us live life from the inside out. By that mean I mean don’t worry about what other people think, be proud of you. If you falter, take action. Personal achievement and a strong set of values gives you the confidence to grow into who you should be, not what others think you should be. Believe in you always.
I’m travelling to South Africa next…
This is my roots and home to the most beautiful architecture, mind blowing beaches and spicey people whom I love and miss! Although technically there is enough living here to call Sydney part South African. My approach is to go somewhere new every year if we can. It keeps it all interesting. We are so fortunate to be able to afford global travel and I find it the most special time as a family. I am not trying to teach my children too much, but expose them to a life that encourages exploration. I want them to be used to travel so that one day they are in a position to want to do it alone and to me that is the time that we really open up to who we can be, a bit like losing yourself to find yourself. And that is what life is really all about!
My time management tips are to…
Wear a watch! I am also list writer and there is huge sense of achievement from ticking off. Realistically I run a diary and try to stick to it. I never cancel or change an arrangement more than once. It keeps you committed and moving. Things bank up. I am naturally not a details person so somehow a few simple rules keep me on track. To donate to the Sydney Children’s Hospital in honour of Sibella, go to www.schf.org.au
Wow. I always enjoy the Grace Tales’ Mamas, but Vanessa’s story has profoundly moved me. Reading her beautiful thoughts on motherhood, love and loss, and the grace that shines through, I’m almost lost for words. Thank you for sharing Sibella’s story with us and all the best to you Vanessa and your lovely family.