Words: Jacintha Field
I’m a single mother. A term I hoped that I would never have to use. But here I am.
In 2019, I separated from the father of my child. I’d love to say it was a conscious separation. I hoped we could consciously uncouple like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. You know one of those beautiful love stories that ended with blissful love!? Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
In the blink of an eye, my entire world was smashed to pieces. I didn’t just separate from my partner; I separated from family, friends, a life that I’d always known.
It all happened so quickly – I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t have time to breathe.
My way of dealing with pain is to isolate myself. I need time to get my head around things. I come across as an extrovert, but I feel deep down I’m an introvert. I need space to process experiences in my mind. I like to pull the puzzle apart so I can put it back together. I am a solution-based person. If there is a problem, I want to discover the solution. Unfortunately, it’s not always that easy. And I quickly learned that this way of living and being distant was very triggering for others.
When riding the wave of deep emotional healing, I read every book I could get my hands on, listened to as many podcasts and audiobooks as my brain could handle. I talked off every ear that would listen. I was a mess.
I tried to rely on others to help me process my pain, but I soon realised not everyone could process big emotions. I couldn’t understand why people couldn’t show up for me, but I have since understood why. You have to go through a shitstorm to hold someone’s hand through theirs. Not everyone is going to understand your experience, especially if they haven’t been through one themselves. This was my journey. This was my opportunity to show up for me! I knew there wasn’t anyone coming to save me, so I needed to protect myself – and this was deeply important to me. I was almost 40; I didn’t want anyone else picking up the pieces. It was my responsibility to do that, not only for myself but for my son, too.
I got offered anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants, but being a holistic health coach, this wasn’t my truth. It was important to me to feel into what was coming up. My life’s work was about feeling into emotions, “building resilience through adversity and pain”, so here I was being presented with the ultimate test. A test that could either break me or finally set me free. I had years and years of pain, childhood traumas, past breakups, abuse and generational trauma to process. All of these elements I deeply knew I needed to process to become the person I wanted to be. It was important to me to heal patterns and habits from my last relationship, so I didn’t bring them to the next.
During my deep healing, I joined a 12-month mentorship program to learn breathwork, pranayama, mantra, kriya, and tantra. I learned Reiki to help calm not only my nervous system but also my son’s. A separation is just as hard on our little people. In fact, it’s harder for them to understand. I saw psychologists, healers, kinesiologists, psychics, everyone I possibly could to alleviate just some of my pain and to help me decipher this shitstorm. I became a meditation teacher so I could deeply understand meditation to practise forgiveness and love, when I felt the time was right. These modalities were purely for survival. At the time, I didn’t have the intention to practice.
I had to dive deep into which elements of my being were deeply aligned to my soul, those that broke through habits, and other parts that I wanted to kick to the curb. This was also needed with past friendships. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. So I essentially needed to clean out the closet, so to speak. I needed to feel into who felt right. And boy did I learn a lot about human behaviour. Quite often, the people you think will be there aren’t and others you barely know show up in a way you never imagined possible.
They say divorce and moving house are two of the hardest traumas you will go through. I did both in the space of a year. All while homeschooling my baby without any help through a world pandemic – picking up and moving to the coast to create an entire new life for my baby and me.
“ Separations are challenging; it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But they are an opportunity to reinvent yourself. ”
I call the process of separating “the mud”. When you’re deep into healing, no matter which way you look, you can’t get out. You are forced to go through the mud to get to the other side. This time is for processing, feeling, healing. I needed to learn how to release the judgment of others and bear my soul to the world without fear of showing up as me. I cried for well over a year. These tears released years of pent-up pain.
I quit alcohol five years previously; if there was any time to start again, it was now. But I held onto my truth. I was very cautious not to jump straight into another relationship. Breakups take two to tango; it’s never just one person’s fault. So I needed to discover the part I played in this mess. I have a pattern of codependency in relationships – a trait I want to smash to pieces, yet I am a very independent human being!? So I needed to discover the root cause of this.
I concluded deeply knowing this; you can’t make someone love you, it’s either there, or it’s not. Deep down, I knew the truth from early on, no matter what was said. There were undoubtedly many flags that I ignored along the way. Can I honestly say from my human form that I trusted my inner knowing, my intuition? No, I didn’t. I created a fairytale from my own deep thoughts of love, but that wasn’t the reality. What I am deeply grateful for is that my ex-partner gifted me with the most precious human on this earth, my son. And for that, I will forever be grateful. Being a mother is my greatest gift on this earth.
Then day by day, month by month, year by year, I started to reinvent myself. Each day, one of the puzzle pieces came back but aligned differently. New friends arrived. My smile became brighter. A new life awaited. Then the mud started to make sense. I began living more authentically than I had ever before. When I look around, I have created a life that I longed for my entire life. I am more free in my mind, body and soul. A previous people-pleaser, I have discovered my worth. I have created a life surrounded by Mother Earth. I fill this life with joy, reliving my youth through surfing, skating, and wiggling hilariously through roller skates with a grin from ear to ear— this life wholly aligned to my vision of living and motherhood.
And in this moment, the moment I am living my truth, I know I am unstoppable. I am a gawd damn warrior. If I could survive this, I can survive anything. I have gotten to a place of being happy within and loving myself deeply. I’m not dependent on anyone else. I am so happy on my own. I don’t need a partner to experience true love because true love comes from within. I know deep down I am wholeheartedly supported by the universe, and I was every step of the way. What happened, happened for my highest good.
My job is to love, support and guide my son; he is my only priority. Every time he looks deep into my soul, I feel the gratitude he feels. I feel that he knows that I will always be by his side. His mumma showed him strength and how to be brave, and he taught me how to love, unconditionally. He is as much my teacher as I am his. I showed him I would show up for him no matter what. I am there by his side to process his big emotions; I would whisper to him, “I’m not going anywhere”, and often sit there in silence until he was done. My son can be his true self around me because I love him unconditionally, flaws and all. I have created a safe space to show him that he, too, could survive a storm and learn lessons along the way. I know he sees his mother as his warrior. Always there to protect him and nurture him through life. Together we are a team.
Separations suck. They are awful. I’m not going to sit here and say otherwise. But the one thing I do promise you is that you are never given something you can’t handle. Deep within your soul, the universe sees strength in you that you can’t see yet. If you’re not right with someone, it’s time to let them go and if you know you don’t feel deep love for someone it’s time you let them go – I urge you not to tamper with someone’s heart. When something is taken from you, it is replaced with something better, as long as you have learned the lessons and trusted your intuition to guide you. Life isn’t meant to be easy. It’s about riding the waves and surrendering to what is—accepting the ups and downs as lessons to help you grow. It is also important to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse someone’s behaviour but it brings a sense of peace so you can be free and move on with life filled with love. When you forgive someone, you forgive yourself for the part you played.
I have since become a Family & Child Counsellor, Art Therapist, Reiki practitioner, Meditation teacher and Breathwork coach working with adults and children. I have become the person I needed to hold my hand during the hardest period of my life. I recently launched a 21 Day Self Love program to help humans love themselves first. Because that is where deep love comes from, truly deep within you. You don’t need to look outside of yourself for love; you have everything you need inside of you. So I invite you to close your eyes and whisper to yourself, I love you. Because that’s who needs love the most.
Go to www.jacinthafield.com