"Your Relationships Might Take A Punch To The Willy" - An Honest Account Of Life Post-Kids |

“Your Relationships Might Take A Punch To The Willy” – An Honest Account Of Life Post-Kids

In her brand new book, "Parenting for Legends," Shannon Kelly White shares it how it is. Case in point, this excerpt from Chapter 9, titled "Your Relationships Might Take A Punch To The Willy." We're hooked...

Things are gonna change. As a new parent, you just don’t have the spare time you used to. This will inevitably alter your relationships — the one with your lover (if you’ve got one) and the ones with your friends. New parenthood is like living through an apocalypse — you have to join a gang to survive. You would think that being in the company of a wee human 24/7 would vaccinate you from loneliness but it doesn’t. Your old life can feel a million miles away and sometimes, despite feeling overjoyed with your new little family, you might feel terribly lonely. You need support. You need friends! People who treasure you; people you can laugh with, commiserate with and share the rollercoaster of parenting with. Your circle might become quite small but hold on and keep it tight HOT TIP: Some of your child-free friends may not understand where you’re at right now so you might need to make some new friends; friends with kids. These people will understand that you need to shamelessly talk about your nipples, all manner of bodily fluids, how cute your babies are, and sleep. Be on the lookout for friend-targets at the playground, at the library and at baby swimming lessons (although I acknowledge it can be hard to make conversation in your togs with giant milk tits akimbo).

Embrace scruffy hospitality

Don’t worry about having a messy house. We can’t all be Captain Neat and we can’t all have toilet floors that don’t have tiny splashes of wee on them. Reasonable people will accept that you’re currently time poor and they won’t care if you have tumbleweeds of human hair rolling idly down your hallway. I’ve realised people would much prefer a warm welcome in a messy home than a frosty reception in an immaculate one. So don’t let your untidy house stop you socialising! Just pop a bra on, crack a window and say: ‘Come on in, friends.’ HOT TIP: Allocate a ‘Room/Cupboard of Doom’. This is a shame-hiding space where you dump all your messy shit when people are coming over. It’s not very grown up but it sure is effective.

Working Parents VS Stay at Home Parents

Sigh. This shits me. The “who has it harder?” argument is as silly as Donald Trump’s hairdo. Let’s not even enter into it. No one has it easy. HOT TIP: If you’re a stay at home parent, don’t say: ‘Don’t you miss your kids?’ Of course, they do, ya dingdong! If you’re a working parent, don’t say: ‘Don’t you ever get bored?!’ Of course, they do, ya wally!

No one has their shit together as much as you think they do

People often give the impression they’re nailing it: that it’s easy; that it’s all under control; that they don’t occasionally find banana peels jammed in between their couch cushions. But they might not have this gig quite as refined as you think they do. Maybe they haven’t humped for a year or maybe their kids have had Rice Bubbles for lunch and dinner or maybe they’re so desperate for peace that they spend a startling amount of time pretending to poo and their spouse is convinced they have IBS and has enrolled them in a clinical trial for a faecal transplant. You just don’t know.

Parenting for Legends by Shannon White Kelly, $29.99